Father Alienation: How It Affected My Daughter
As you may know, this blog is mainly about the karma I’ve been going through for smearing my spiritual Master, Sri Chinmoy, to about 10 to 15 of his disciples beginning around 1999 for disciplining me, which I felt, with a vengeful attitude fueled by false accusations, caused me too much humiliation. This often involved writing letters out of anger before that migrated to email. On a few occasions, it involved phone calls. Among other things, this resulted in father alienation against me.
Part of the point I want to make in these blog articles is that my karma for this defamation didn’t just result in psychiatrists tarnishing my credibility with the label of schizophrenia making it impossible (thus far) for me to help my daughter, Abigail, through the Family Court system (which has been my only option as per our legal system here in Nova Scotia).
It also resulted in several other experiences that made me look bad. False accusations make it difficult for me to do what’s best. These accusations include, but are not limited to:
- Being falsely accused by the Halifax Regional Police on several occasions. On one occasion (which I tend to call the March 22, 2012 Incident), I called the Halifax Regional Police asking for help because my daughter’s mother, Erin, took our daughter during my Court Ordered time. During this incident, Erin lied to the police about what she was doing. She told additional lies about me. She accused me of things making it appear as though she was justified to take our daughter during my Court Ordered time. Another example of father alienation. Unfortunately, the police officer believed her, and I got accused by this officer of appearing to be on drugs during her visit, which she put in her police report. This police officer, whom I’ll call D-1, didn’t actually do anything to help other than file a report. That was the beginning of Erin keeping my daughter from me. Eventually, I went from enjoying her in my life about 24% of the time to only 4% of the time.
- Because Erin “screwed up” (as alluded to above) and felt she had been caught being deceptive in her emails regarding that incident, she pre-emptively, with the help of her lawyer, did what she could to make me look bad in a couple affidavits against me. More father alienation. She didn’t want to lose against me in court had I decided to challenge her, which caused me to lose lots of valuable time with my daughter. This, of course, restricted my ability to help her. (But, of course, this is not the way it appeared to the court. The court, and even my Nova Scotia Legal Aid lawyer, Susan, sided with Erin’s specious arguments.)
- A close family member of mine smeared me on several occasions to the mother of my child. Erin included this family members words in her affidavits against me. Her intent was to make me look bad, so she was happy to do so. In addition, a couple close family members subsequently made me look much worse off than I really was to several Nova Scotia Health Authority mental health professionals. (And, as I mentioned in previous blog articles, a stipulation in mine and Erin’s new Court Order made it impossible for me to help Abigail without a letter from one of the NSHA’s psychiatrists. These psychiatrists, however, misunderstood me, using their predispositions to diagnose me and tarnish my image and credibility.)
- And last but not least, one of my most significant examples of father alienation, since her birth, Erin has been causing Abigail to have issues with me. That may be difficult to show in a superficial description, but by getting Abigail to keep secrets from me, she caused her to have issues with me and treat me as though there was something wrong with me. Due to her mother’s influence, she believed her mother had some sort of superior authority and that I was doing things wrong.
In this blog article, I would like to provide a few glimpses into what was being done to our innocent father-daughter relationship, which amounted to emotional neglect (and father alienation against me).
As you may imagine, proving emotional neglect/emotional abuse is very difficult. There is often no real evidence other than the victim’s words. Whatever evidence there may be requires one to set aside their predispositions and really assess it. Otherwise, we just don’t do anything about it. Or we don’t actually address it by providing the wrong and specious “solution.”
In order to not make these blog articles too long, I will only show you a few glimpses into the evidence I DO have.
The following is an email message I sent to the mother when our daughter (now fourteen) was five years old:
/ To: Erin
/ From: Jacob [‘Jacob’ is the fictitious name I used for myself throughout my story]
I just want to let you know about a number of different things Abigail has said to me that she says you’ve said to her. Most of them have been fairly recent. And i’ll list them in chronological order:
- When she was four years old, according to her, you told her that something i am telling her to do while under my care is really just her choice.
- Apparently you told her that i was doing the wrong thing by leaving after dropping her off at theatre class. According to her, you said I shouldn’t do that because what if she became sad.
I then asked you to please try and not speak ill of me to Abigail to which you replied “sure no problem”
- Shortly after, she became upset with me because, according to her, i cut her hair and i shouldn’t do that. And she said that you told her that.
- Most recently, she has been saying to me “Mommy knows everything and Daddy knows nothing”. And she says you were the one that said this to her. Sometimes she says this out the blue. Sometimes, when i am trying to tell her to do something, she says this crying and yelling as if i don’t know what i’m doing so she really shouldn’t be listening to me.
If you have said these sorts of things to her, then i am not comfortable with it and i am disappointed in you because i know you are more mature than that.
The following is from chapter four of my spiritual memoir, The Struggle Within: The Wind’s Divine Melody (Vol. 1), regarding how my daughter was as she grew up:
Abigail was misbehaving a lot, and it was often stressful for me. She would deliberately do things that were bothersome or that she shouldn’t do, and I couldn’t understand why. When she was in this state of mind, resulting in her deliberately doing something bothersome and I would tell her not to do what she was doing, she would then deliberately do that thing again and again. Usually, asking her to stop doing something would only make the behaviour worse. [She is still, to this day, at age fourteen, (sometimes) exhibiting this issue.] This has meant that there were times she was doing something dangerous and asking her to stop only caused her to continue. Obviously, that put me (and her) in a challenging position.
[It is interesting, because throughout the years, particularly before Abigail was born, I often deliberately misbehaved to my Master by deliberately turning to alcohol and other negative things in reaction to him disciplining me and then the very same thing happened to me from my daughter: she deliberately did things she knew would bother me.]
My daughter was having serious behaviour problems at school, as well. As I later learned, Erin was getting her to keep secrets from her teachers (in addition to me). The following are a couple emails from two of my daughter’s teachers:
/ To: Grade Primary Teacher
/ From: Jacob
Hi Grade Primary Teacher,
How are you? I’m wondering if you can briefly answer a question on Abigail’s behaviour during her entire Primary year: In your experience, does her behaviour generally stand out as unusual in comparison to other children her age?
/ To: Jacob
/ From: Grade Primary Teacher
I apologize for the delay in my response as I’ve been out for the past couple of weeks. Abigail’s behaviour during the Primary year was unusual in comparison to other children her age.
Grade Primary Teacher
* * * *
/ To: Grade One Teachers
/ From: Jacob
Hi Grade One Teachers,
I’m just wondering if you can answer a couple quick questions about Abigail’s behaviour:
1. Have you noticed an improvement since the beginning of the year?
2. Do you feel her behaviour stands out in comparison to the other students in your classroom?
Thanks so much. Have a good weekend/week, and I’ll be in touch again soon.
/ To: Jacob
/ From: Grade One Teacher
Hi Jacob….At times I have seen glimpses of improvement in Abigail’s behaviour but overall, I would say no, and in fact the last couple of weeks there has been a regression in her behaviour. Abigail’s behaviour definitely stands out in comparison to the other students. At times the other children get annoyed because Abigail’s behaviour often interrupts class discussions. It is easy to see the frustration on the other children’s faces when they have to wait while Abigail needs to be spoken to several times to put her book away and sit and stay in her seat. Grade One Teacher
The National Clearinghouse on Family Violence (since replaced by Stop Family Violence) has indicated that possible indicators of emotional abuse and neglect include (among others): inappropriate behaviour for age or development. To read more about Abigail’s behaviour problems click here.
I had to show you the above emails because many people would likely dismiss the things I’m saying as common, everyday behavioural issues in a child. Similarly, some people would likely look at the dates above and say this was long ago. It is over, so why should it matter now? But the experiences my daughter went through back then due to the father alienation, including major social “failures” and frequently getting in trouble, have permanently impacted her psychological make-up and impede her potential for success to this day. This is why it needs to be addressed. Not to mention it damaged our relationship.
Along with father alienation against me, this has amounted to emotional neglect on Erin’s part because a) our daughter was suffering because of it, and b) Erin did not stop her actions that were causing this suffering, or c) try to get Abigail help with it.
My daughter should, at the very least, be receiving counselling, but there is nothing I can do about that without the mother’s permission. And, of course, Abigail’s willingness.
In 2010, I began recording a lot of this story in journal format to my friend, Tammy. About two years after I sent the above email to the mother, I described the following to Tammy about Abigail’s behaviour. The following were my exact words to her. Take special note of the bolded text:
Fri., 16 Dec. 2011:
Abigail is tricky. She tries to get me to apologize after i scold her or correct her and says i hurt her feelings and starts to fake cry, which can be really tricky ‘cause it sounds real and can fool people into thinking that i actually literally did something to hurt her. And i’m like, “Wait a minute, did i really hurt your feelings or are you just trying to get the upper hand, or whatever?” ‘Cause there’s this problem that she has that i’ve seen for a long time now, even before she started school, like maybe at least since she was 3, she gets “upset,” but it’s not a real upset; it’s like an angry-upset cry where she sort of wrongly, and angrily, convinces herself that i’m somehow doing something wrong to her and she’s gonna go to Mommy to report this to Mommy, or that Mommy should get involved now somehow, and she’s gonna get me in trouble with Mommy. And it’s really weird because all this is tied into her deliberate inappropriate behavior where she’s defiant, or bothersome, not cooperating, or doing things she’s not supposed to; she tries to push your buttons, and she can be mean in her tone when she’s in this state of mind.
And it’s the exact same problem the teachers have been having a problem with since Primary; she drove the Primary teacher crazy — i’m sure. And it’s weird ‘cause it’s like she’s messing with my head. I think that all she wants to do is get me in trouble with Mommy. And i don’t know why or where she gets that from.
Yes, Erin was most likely, with a haughty attitude, making our daughter think that I do certain things wrong. Telling her I shouldn’t do that and this. This is an example of father alienation.
[And that is the same kind of thing I did to my Master. After being humiliated by him, with a haughty or falsely accusatory attitude and with specious arguments, I criticized him to some of his disciples.]
Part of the problem with this is I know what I’ve seen happen to my daughter and what she went through — and most people don’t. I can’t magically SHOW you what I’ve witnessed, so instead, I have to show you evidence of the emotional abuse she suffered. I must describe what I’ve seen my daughter go through with my words. That is not an easy thing to do.
It may not seem like it to you, but sometimes I am actually not very good with words. I’ll be able to show in subsequent articles, for example, how some of her teachers did a much better job of describing details and intricacies of Abigail’s behaviour, which, as I hope to clarify, described my daughter suffering.
Unfortunately, only I am aware that my daughter’s mental health is still being affected by this to this day. And part of what I would like to show in these blog articles is that Nova Scotia Health Authority psychiatrists, particularly Dr. Nelson (name has been changed), prevented me from helping Abigail through the Nova Scotia Family Court legal process (although I am still trying).
Unfortunately, at age fourteen, my daughter still doesn’t really know that what happened to her (and in varying manifestations still happens to her) — in terms of the parental alienation and emotional neglect — was wrong. She is a victim of abuse. I certainly don’t know how to explain it to her without bashing her mother, but I hope these words get it through to the outside world and someday through the courts so that she comes to fully understand everything.