False Accusation Examples: Karma From Smearing
In this article, I will list some false accusation examples I have experienced, which took place between about 2000 and 2018.
Aside from being falsely accused a couple times of being gay–not that there’s anything wrong with that–by idiot homophobes, most of the false accusations I’ve experienced I believe were due to karma from smearing my Spiritual Master, Sri Chinmoy, a few times to a handful of his disciples. This list is not exhaustive.
List of False Accusation Examples:
- In 2000, I was falsely accused by a secretary of the Sri Chinmoy Centre, whom I call Prasha, after I wrote a passive aggressive letter criticizing our Master, which I asked her to give to the Master. She accused me of going through some kind of experience–such as perhaps a physical health problem–and wrongly blaming the Master as giving me those experiences. This accusation is one of the ones that has affected me the most, and I describe this in detail below.
- When my daughter was about five years old, I began to realize that my daughter’s mother (Erin) was not only causing her think I do things wrong to her but was getting her to keep secrets from me, both of which were causing major behaviour problems in my daughter and harming her faith in me. This is called Parental Alienation.
- When my daughter was seven years old, there was an incident I call the March 22, 2012 Incident. Erin took our daughter from school during my court ordered time and tried to make it look like she had to do this because there was something wrong with me. She falsely accused me of “forgetting” to pick our daughter up and that she had to do this for our daughter’s well-being. When I called the police on Erin because she wouldn’t allow me to have our daughter that evening even though she supposedly only picked up her just in case I might have forgot, she falsely accused me and lied to the police.
- During this March 22, 2012 Incident, the police officer believed Erin and, in turn, falsely accused me in her police report. I had lingering social anxiety stemming from childhood trauma, so I wasn’t sure of myself when dealing with her. This made the police officer think I was taking too long to answer questions, which caused her to be suspicious. Also, before the police arrived, I had just done a short meditation, which caused my eyes to be red because sometimes my eyes water while I meditate. This further caused the police officer to be suspicious. So, I called the police for help because Erin was being deceptive and not allowing me to see our daughter, but I became the bad guy. And the police officer wrote in her police report that she suspected that I was on drugs.
- Later that year, I had a spiritual experience during which I ended up walking through someone’s yard late at night. They called the police on me because they falsely accused me of trying to break into their house. The police arrived and falsely accused me of being on drugs. They attacked me and put me in handcuffs. I was also falsely accused in their police report of trying to break into a car. They took me to the hospital because they thought I was on drugs, but I was also severely sleep-deprived. You can read about the story here.
- At the hospital, I was falsely accused, i.e diagnosed, of having schizophrenia. This made it impossible for me to help my daughter and improve our relationship and thus my ability to help her through the family court. Actually, the only way I could do that was to get a letter from a psychiatrist saying that I had been misdiagnosed. I spoke to a psychiatrist for four and a half years, and I couldn’t get her to do any kind of assessment other than simply glancing at my health record. So, she had her mind made up from day one and was only interested in treating me.
- The label of schizophrenia stuck with me, according to the Nova Scotia Health Authority. Apparently, when people think you have schizophrenia, they make up stories about you. For example, a legal aid lawyer told me one time the reason I have to be supervised while around my daughter is that people with my diagnosis tend to do things that could put a child at risk, such as leave my daughter at a mall or something like that. So, the psychiatrists did nothing for me but cause me psychological torment and stigma. There was no need for me to be supervised or have my access taken away prior to Erin’s false accusations and the diagnosis from the psychiatrists.
False Accusation Example in Detail:
Let me first point out that this is the only false accusation example I have experienced from the Sri Chinmoy Centre, and this false accusation does not represent the Sri Chinmoy Centre or Prasha as a whole. I actually received tremendous help from the Sri Chinmoy Centre and I continue to follow Sri Chinmoy’s spiritual path.
In 2000, a secretary for Spiritual Master Sri Chinmoy, whom I call Prasha for my book, accused me of misjudging experiences I was having and of falsely accusing Sri Chinmoy of giving me those experiences.
What happened is that I wrote a letter for my Master asking for guidance with those experiences. I attempted to articulate that I was having muscles move (which had a force or energy or spiritual ‘personality’ behind them) at the exact times my spiritual heart was about to be refreshed by joy. This startled away the joy, causing me to feel humiliated and deprived of the joy instead. I tried to articulate that these experiences were coming from my Master and admitted I had been turning to alcohol as a result. I sent the letter to Prasha asking her to give it to Sri Chinmoy.
Prasha called me a few days after. She said she showed the letter to Sri Chinmoy and she relayed to me that he was very sympathetic but stated that it would be best right now if I was not on the path. Then she added her own message: “I think you need to get it out of your head that Guru is doing this to you.”
Although I accused Guru, this message from Prasha was still a false accusation. Let me explain how.
As I said, she falsely accused me of having impaired judgment and wrongly blaming Sri Chinmoy for the experiences I was having.
My inner relationship with my Master and the inner communication coming from him are not something I can’t just magically “get out of my head”. Let’s say someone is gay. They can do all the work they want to convince themselves that they aren’t gay, but they will still be gay. Even if I do everything I can to convince myself I don’t have an inner relationship with Guru, I’ll still experience inner communication from him even if I don’t believe it or want it.
If you give your mother a hug, are you going to “get it out of your head” that it ever happened? You saw her with your own two eyes; you remember physically touching her. That is the evidence. So, how can you get it out of your head? Similarly, in my case, my understanding of what I’m experiencing is based on evidence no one else can see. So, telling me this is something I can just forget is, frankly, an insult. She’s saying I have impaired judgment and am too liberal with my beliefs with experiences I’m having which have nothing to do with Sri Chinmoy. And that was not true.
Yes, I accused the Master. And that’s why I’m being accused. It is likely my karma.
My issues with Sri Chinmoy started with me accusing him. From the current version of my book:
“After following the path for a short while in sincerity and meditating with some success, I noticed I was at times thinking ill of Guru as though he weren’t helping me enough. I was acting like a spoiled brat. There was one occasion, in late 1994 or early 1995, I thought ill of Guru because I felt he wasn’t helping me move out of my parents’ house through his special spiritual power and capacity. I became so bothered by this that I decided to leave my parents’ house and live in the woods until some sort of solution developed out of thin air. I walked about a half-hour to the nearest forest and sat down to meditate. The meditation was so deep and encouraging that I walked back immediately afterwards. God must be helping me more than I imagined after all. My entire mood had changed from that single experience. But it wasn’t to last.
“There was another time, in 1997, just after moving to Toronto, that I felt Guru was not helping me find a job as quickly as I was demanding. I had some money my mother gave me prior to my leaving home. One day, I took the bills and ripped them up one by one because Guru had not helped me find a job yet. My attitude was that I don’t want this money; I don’t want help in this form. I wanted to earn money through a job. ‘Oh, you don’t do what I want? You don’t please me the way I want you to please me? I will cause destruction. What do you think of that?’”
I lost my ability to meditate later that year. I accused Guru again, this time for not helping me meditate. I took a bus to Sri Chinmoy’s birthday celebrations in August 1997 but then left early before his birthday because I was spiteful that he still had not helped me meditate yet. After many months of this, I began to threaten him inwardly that I would go to a bar to drink, although I did not actually do so. I did this because I kept failing at meditation and was blaming him.
Around this time, I began feeling exceptionally kind spiritual touches. They felt like they were massaging away any negative feeling or energy in my consciousness. They had a force or ‘personality’ behind them. They alleviated any negativity within me. These kinds of touches lasted for a temporary period, after which they progressed into having less visible or obvious divinity. They didn’t feel bad, but they didn’t feel incredibly good either like they were before.
After a year, I still couldn’t meditate, which made me angry with Sri Chinmoy sometimes. And you know what? Maybe I wasn’t too pleased with some of those spiritual touches. Some of them seemed like they were violating me. What was their purpose?
So, I demanded the spiritual touches stop because I had an attitude (even though they weren’t harming me). And because he didn’t meet my demands, I made a phone call to one of Sri Chinmoy’s secretaries saying I wanted to leave the path. I did this out of spite—and because I was accusing him.
But the touches didn’t stop. Those spiritual touches turned into “blows” shortly after this phone call (the interruption of my experience of joy as I mentioned above). My accusations eventually progressed to self-talk diatribes, sometimes yelling out loud, imagining that he can inwardly receive my complaints as in prayer, and finding fault with him. I would threaten self-destruction if he didn’t stop, which I often fulfilled, and occasionally threats of smearing him, which I sometimes fulfilled. It wasn’t until AFTER these “blows” started that I turned to alcohol and drugs out of retaliation.
Fortunately, when I asked to go back to his path, Sri Chinmoy accepted me.
Within a year, however, I wrote that letter to Prasha, which I only did because I was accusing again. I was angry. Worse, because my Master was spiritually touching me, which I had developed a bad attitude about, I administered a consequence. It was my way of punishing him, although I perhaps wasn’t conscious of that at the time. I accused him under the guise of asking for help.
I wasn’t confused. I wasn’t having trouble making decisions. I wasn’t going through a problem I needed help with. Because although God may punish you or humiliate you sometimes, God never does anything wrong to you. It’s not like I didn’t know that, although I DID have insufficient faith. It’s not like I truly believed my Master would do something wrong to me.
“We thought God would never punish us.
Now we see that He does.
Again, we must know
That it is for our own good
That He punishes us.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Seventy-Seven Thousand Service-Trees, part 38]
Punishment from God is not actually a situation where you are in desperate need of help. (You MAY be in need of help if you are reacting negatively. For instance, if you get angry and turn to alcohol and lose your job, you may need income assistance from the government.) So, why did I write the letter? Because I was vengeful and spiteful. Guru had insulted my ego, so I wanted to get even. Basically, I said, “Please help me with the fact that I keep becoming angry and vengeful.” But I didn’t word it like that. I worded it such a way that I was asking for help with what Guru was doing to me in order to make it seem like he was doing something to me that I was helplessly struggling with.
I wrote the letter because I was angry. It was a devious attempt to make Guru look bad (although I didn’t quite grasp what I was doing). That was a consequence for Guru not ceasing to spiritually touch me after I became angry with him. After I accused him and demanded that he stop. He didn’t obey me as I thought he should. As though I were his superior giving him orders. Therefore, I wrote the letter. That was the consequence I had threatened.
“The Master is the disciple’s own higher reality,”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Sri Chinmoy Speaks, part 1]
“Spiritual Masters of the highest order are totally one with the Supreme. This is true to such an extent that the fate of the disciple depends entirely on the Master himself. In this case, the Master plays the role of the bridge between the individual seeker’s soul and the Supreme.
“Again, the dearest and closest disciples of the Master get the Master in a different way. For them, the Master is more than a bridge; he is also the goal. The Supreme tells those souls, ‘Do not separate your Master from Me.’
“So, for the dearest and closest, the Master has to play the role of the Supreme Himself, because at that time the Master is fully responsible for the realisation, perfection and manifestation of those particular souls. The Master becomes absolutely the Inner Pilot for those individual souls who are his very close, very intimate, first-class disciples: his inner circle.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Two Divine Instruments: Master and Disciple]
The Master is the disciple’s own higher reality. The inner guidance is not the same for every disciple. It is different for everyone according to their particular needs and acceptance of him.
When he said, “The Master becomes absolutely the Inner Pilot for those individual souls…” that must include me. This is not something I have been told or realized. This is just something that makes the most sense based on the evidence I’ve experienced and Sri Chinmoy’s words. In fact, I’ve always had trouble believing that. Even now. If I want to do well and not write stupid letters and do other destructive things and get kicked off the path because I’m reacting negatively, I have to take that leap of faith and believe. If I want to have serious problems, then not having enough faith would be the way to do that–especially when God is testing your faith. The more I believe the better. But that’s not what Prasha said. That’s not what psychiatrists say. If I can’t believe that I’m one of those “very close, very intimate, first-class disciples”, then at the very least I should believe that everything he does is for my own good, even when he seems to have abandoned me.
This is how he is guiding me. Please note, that I use the terms ‘Guru’ and ‘God’ interchangeably because that is how I see him. That is my acceptance of or faith in him.
So, what was the consequence to me for sending a letter to smear the Master out of spite? *I* was smeared. (Prasha’s wrong impression of me was evidence of that. Although, she probably should have kept it to herself.) The Master asked me to leave his path. So, since then, for the rest of my life, whenever someone finds out that the Master kicked me off his path, I look bad. Obviously, I must have misbehaved or had something wrong with me if I was asked to leave the path. People may think: Maybe I DO have an impaired judgment problem if the Master, known for his patience, asked me to leave the path. Maybe my whole story or notion that I have an inner relationship with the Master is delusional.
It was my karma. I tried to smear him, so God’s Will had my image smeared in return. (But it also helped bring me closer to God. I talk about that in other areas of my book.)
Since I wasn’t being sincere in the letter, it’s no wonder Prasha misunderstood. She wouldn’t know that I was angry just by reading the letter. After all, my anger was controlled, therefore, I didn’t realize I was angry. But was I REALLY asking for help with an issue I was having? I was not a lost, scared, pathetic little puppy. I was angry. When you’re dealing with your Master inwardly, you never have to outwardly ask your Master for help with his inner guidance. At least not in my case. Also: If he IS guiding you, that would make perfect sense as to why he would want to deal with this inwardly and say nothing outwardly. Even though I asked him for advice, he didn’t provide any. So, trust. Have faith, is really the answer here. He’s already taking care of me. But I had A LOT of trouble with that—especially after what Prasha said. She caused me to question myself.
I have an intuitive-healer friend. She said something to me once. “If you don’t listen to your intuition and understand the lessons you’re supposed to be learning, the Universe will keep giving you the same tests.” So, instead of saying these experiences were coming from Sri Chinmoy, I could have, without getting into details, said they were coming from the Universe.
In my case, I was not listening to my intuition. Rather, I was getting angry, cynical and spiteful toward my Master during my many self-destructive and vengeful episodes toward him. And why don’t some people believe me, including psychiatrists? It boils down to faith. Nothing more. So, what does God need to help you more? You need more faith. And what was Sri Chinmoy helping me with? To have more faith. He has proved and proved and proved that he is helping me, even though he was putting my faith to the test. There was only so much he could do. *I* had do to something. *I* had to take that leap of faith. He put me in a position where I finally said, “This is what I’ve got to do.”
Truth be told, it shouldn’t MATTER to somebody like Prasha or a psychiatrist whether I have an inner relationship with Sri Chinmoy. That is a nonissue. The issue—the only issue—is that I shouldn’t get upset with him regardless of what I go through.
People can get all up in arms that I falsely accused the Master of giving me such experiences until the clowns come home, but they are totally missing the point. My relationship with God is personal. It’s between God and the Master and me. I never should have tried to convey that relationship to anyone in the first place. (However, I have been inwardly told very clearly by my Inner Guide that he wants me to write this book, so I am.) Instead, people try to convince me that these experiences are not actually coming from the Master. Perhaps I am dealing with a hostile force that I am mistaking for the Master—a force that conveys compassion, strongly encourages me not to drink, gets rid of other hostile forces, zaps away otherwise uncontrollable anxiety, and apparently defeated Sri Chinmoy in terms of who is inwardly guiding me. Whether it is Sri Chinmoy or some other entity, though, is not the issue. Regardless of who it is, I should not be turning my anger toward the Master. My negative reactions of anger and vengeance are solely what has caused me my problems.
And when I act like I need help with something the Master is doing to me, that tells people that it’s not actually the Master doing these things.
You never know what a person is dealing with inwardly, but you do know that they should not be getting angry with the Master or God.
It is quite likely that the reason I have been accused so much is because I have accused my Master, even if it was mostly in angry self-talk diatribes. Karma.
But just as I received his blows inwardly, he received my accusations inwardly, something an average person may not understand.
Perhaps this story from Sri Chinmoy will help:
“I shall tell an incident from around 6:40 this morning. Five disciples were angry with me, but I do not want to say who they are. While I was looking in the mirror and shaving, such blows I was getting inside my head — one after another! Luckily, my face was not cut! I opened my third eye to see who was striking me. The culprits may say, “I was sleeping at that time.” True, they may have been sleeping, but last night their aggressive or dissatisfied vital was so displeased and angry with me that some wrong forces entered into me from them and I got such blows!
“These experiences almost all the spiritual Masters have. Absolutely the way Muhammad Ali gets punched — that kind of beating we get! Sometimes I do not want to know where it is coming from, because if I see that it is my dear ones who are striking me like this, then I will feel more miserable. The best thing is to get your blows, suffer for a few minutes and then, if you have the capacity, throw the experience into the Universal Consciousness. This morning I did not suffer for more than two minutes. I was strong enough to manage it, so I did not have to bother throwing the attack into the Universal Consciousness. Afterward, I went downstairs and did my exercises.
“This is no cock-and-bull story. Believe me! One day you will have the same fate. All of a sudden you will ask yourself why you are getting such blows. What have you done? One does not even have to be a spiritual Master. Sometimes an ordinary individual may stumble for no rhyme or reason. While you are seated, all of a sudden you may get a muscle pull. It is not because something is wrong in your system, but because something has happened in the inner world. Consciously and deliberately someone was aiming such powerful undivine thoughts at you when you were not aware of it. Because your entire being was not energised or dynamic, your body could not resist and you got the attack. Many, many times you suffer from what you think is some physical ailment that all of a sudden appears out of the blue. But it is not a physical ailment; somebody has attacked you! This game goes on and on.”
~ Sri Chinmoy [Source: Sri Chinmoy Answers, Part 8]
An angry person does not need to ask for help unless it is for anger management or—if it is a healthy anger—to bring about social justice through productive means. I was doing neither.
The whole point, and what I have to get out of my head, is my false belief that Sri Chinmoy has done something wrong to me, that I was treated unfairly, or that he will give up on me—all due to my not being able to take that leap of faith.
So, did Sri Chinmoy (i.e. God) punish me or did I falsely accuse him?
BOTH are true. Sri Chinmoy did indeed punish me, and in response, I chose a terrible attitude that found fault with him.
If you are a child and about to run in front of a moving vehicle and your father grabs your arm to stop you, that may seem violative. It may seem even more violative if he gives you a few slaps on the bum. A child may know deep down inside that his father is only trying to help, but, still, he may accuse his father of wrongdoing because he feels humiliated.
In the same way, Sri Chinmoy grabbed my arm and slapped me on the bum with his spiritual touches.
The formula goes like this:
Since Sri Chinmoy is God (i.e., the Inner Pilot), at least for me, not necessarily for other people,
Since God punishes people (at least according to Sri Chinmoy’s writings in the aphorism above)
I am correct to say that Sri Chinmoy punished me, which I described as “violating me” from my perspective (only because I didn’t have the most spiritual perspective). But I was incorrect to smear my Master or to imply that he was doing something wrong to me—so wrong that I desperately needed help. Or perhaps worse: that I was demanding to be left alone and that he was harassing me—spurred by a false belief. I accept my mistakes and my consequences, and must now make amends through my actions, and as you can see here and in my upcoming memoir, my words.